by Stephen P. Pizzo
Thank you, Madam Speaker. (Looking around the room...) And may I just say, I love what you've done with the place! Did you bring a covey of interior decorators in from your home town, San Francisco? Heh, heh, heh.... (Snarky smile, head bobbing.)
And thank you, members of the House and Senate, for that warm welcome. You know, I don't hear a lot of applause or cheering these days. The thing I like best about these annual addresses is that it forces Democrats to applaud me on camera â€“ heh, heh, heh. (Pointing to Ted Kennedy gives him a thumbs up...snarky smirk.)
I am happy to report tonight that the state of our union
is strong. (Long pause...looking around room waiting for applause but
no one claps.)
Hey, tough crowd.. heh, heh, heh. Didn't you guys get advance copies of
this speech with the applause lines in yellow marker? You better have
or there'll be no fruit cup for Karl tonight... heh, heh, heh.
I know many of you want me talk about Iraq. Well, what do you expect me
say? The damn place is mess â€” as though that's my fault or something.
No, it's not. It's their fault, the Iraqis â€“ the little ingrates. God â€“
the real one â€“ told me to free the Iraqis from that tyrant, Saddam. And
Then what did they do with their new freedom but to stir up a religious war â€“ and not the good kind, either.
This is an Islamic war â€” Sunni v. Shia. I read up on whole
conâ€”troooâ€”verâ€” seeee. Read about it last weekend at Camp David. See
when the false prophet, Mohammad, died, the cult he began split between
those who wanted one of his decendants to replace him and those who
wanted some unrelated guy.
So right there anyone can see that both sides in that fight were dead
wrong. I mean when the real prophet, Jesus Christ, died did anyone to
replace him? No way. Jesus was the real deal, the son of God ... a hard
act to follow â€” unlike that poser, Mohammad.
It all started in 692 AD, and the Sunni and Shia have been at one
another's throats ever since. So, how can the mess in Iraq be my fault?
I tried to help them and they turned on me like a pagan horde.
That's why I decided to give the Iraqis one more chance by sending
22,000 more other American's sons and daughters over there. And, if
they kill too many of them, well, I just might not send any more.
But those who say we failed in Iraq are wrong. We succeeded. We gave
the Iraqis democracy. Remember those purple fingers? Tried to fix them
up with Diebold machines, but the programmers refused to go to Iraq. So
we went with the purple-finger thing instead. Turned out it was better
photo-op anyway. That was a good decision. Because, you see, people
un.....deeeeer...stand when I remind them about those pictures of
ordinary Iraqis holding up their purple fingers after voting. Sure many
of them are dead now. But they died free, and we should be proud of
Now I want to talk about domestic policy, because I have a couple of ideas that will, hopefully, get your minds off Iraq.
I keep hearing about the 47 million Americans that can't afford health
insurance. Well, I have a plan for that too.We could just give them
health insurance, but that would be wrong. Like the old saying goes;
you can give a man a fish and feed him for a day, or you can teach him
how to shop. I prefer to teach them the uninsured how to shop. Under my
plan, if a working person or family is too poor to afford health
insurance I'm going to give them a tax break for buying health
I know a lot of you out there â€“ (shooting a glance at Democrats)
believe what the uninsured really need is affordable health insurance.
But, I have to think of everyone, not just the uninsured. There's an
entire financial food-chain out there that depends on the ability to
milk Americans dry on all things medical. Those people have rights too,
you know. Their entire business model is built on their ability to tell
Americans in need of medical care, â€œyour money or your life.â€ There's
the health insurance companies, pharmaceutical firms, HMO's and their
executives to consider as well. They have mansion payments too, after
All I am proposing is to give the working poor the same thing I gave
the wealthy earlier in my administration â€“ tax cuts. Under my plan a
working individual would get a tax credit up to $7500 for buying their
own health insurance. A person earning $32,500 a year could save as
much as $1150 in taxes each year under my plan.
Of course the naysayers â€“ and they are always with us â€“ (glaring down
at the Democrats) â€“ will belittle my plan. They will point out that
it's unlikely a person earning so little could shell out nearly a third
of their gross income to some health insurance company in return for a
paltry $1150 tax cut.
I say that it's precisely such negative thinking â€“ coupled with the
growing demand for a universal health care system â€” that makes health
care companies and their shareholders nervous. It injects uncertainty
into health care markets. And that's bad for our health care
industries, bad for Wall Street and bad for America. (Republicans â€” all
covered by federally provided health care â€” jump to their feet and
My plan is also a way to inject balance in my tax policies. Earlier I
gave the wealthiest Americans nearly $2 trillion in tax breaks, which
has greatly enhanced their financial health. Now I want to give
America's working poor their own tax break. This tax break, unlike
those I granted the wealthy which required they do nothing, will
required the working poor to pay hefty health care premiums â€“
ironically to the same companies and CEO's who already enjoying tax
relief. They will then enjoy even more tax relief, while the working
poor get to enjoy the feeling of ahving a medical insurance card in
their wallets. So, you see, my health reform plan is a win/win.
Because, if this administration stands for anything it's for winners
and against losers. (Glaring at Democrats)
Okay, so that's that on the insurance thing. Now I have another
important idea to announce, this one on domestic energy policy.
Earlier in my administration we passed an energy policy that rewarded
oil companies for doing what they would have done anyway â€” drill, pump,
refine and gouge. That policy has succeed. America's energy companies
are stronger today and their profits are at record levels. Of course
energy prices have gone up as well, but whose fault is that? Oil
companies? No, no it's not. Oil companies have done their part. But we
have not done our part. (Glaring down at Democrats again.) We refused
to let them pump that lake of oil just sitting there under frozen
wasteland up in Alaska. And why? Because sooommme of you (looking down
at Democrats) believe polar bears and caribou have more rights than
But okay, that's oil under the bridge. Tonight I am prepared to reach
across the aisle in a bipartisan way. As you all know, I have my doubts
about all this Al Gore-stirred up "global warming,â€ stuff. But, now
that grandstanding Al's movie has gotten so many American voters all
misty-eyed over drowning polar bears and fretting over rising oceans,
I'm ready to give a little, though I still have my doubts. After all,
where in the Bible can you find any reference to global warming?
Nowhere, that's where. (His head bobs up and down as he looks around
the room.) If global warming is such a threat to God's creation, don't
you think He would have had something to say about it?
Nevertheless, I'm President of all the people, even the stupid ones. So
I have to respond, not so much to save polar bears, but to save
Republicans up for re-election in two years. Because, you see, America
is a deâ€”mockâ€”ra-seeeeee. And in a deâ€”mock-ra-seeee.... (pause).. people
have the right to be wrong.
So I am proposing we say we are going to try to cut our use of gasoline by 20% over the next ten years.
I know that some among you â€“ (looking towards Democrats) â€“ will say
that we could have done that, and a lot more, years ago had I just
supported higher milage standards on cars and trucks and SUVs. And they
will complain that we would be far further along the road to energy
independence had I not cut $100 million from alternative energy
research and development, after saying I supported the program. Well I
was for it .. until I was against it.
But I understand. In this town everyone's a critic, heh, heh, heh.
Still, I'm the President. In other words I'm the deeeeâ€”ciiiiâ€” der. And
I've decided now is the right time to say I'm for cutting gasoline
consumption by 20% over ten years.
The way we're going to do that is not to impose much higher mileage
standards because tauto companies don't like it when we do that. No,
instead of burning Middle East oil we will burn more American grown
fiber, particularly corn, by turning the stuff into ethanol. America's
energy companies are already teaming up with America's agri-business to
figure out how to create another win/win situation.
I was going to call this my â€œFood for Fuelâ€ program, but Karl reminded
me that sounded too much like that UN's crooked â€œFood for Oilâ€ program.
He also said it would give Democrats an opening to complain that
burning food in our cars and trucks would only hurt the poor by raising
the price of food, like corn tortillas,
milk, cheese and meat. More negâ€”aaaahâ€”tivity.
I come here tonight brimming over with bipartisan spirit. I am reaching
across the aisle. But it's just that kind of negative thinking by the
opposition party that has made it so difficult for me to solve
America's growing energy crisis.
What those critics don't seem to understand is there is a method
here... a long range plan that requires we stay the course. Here's how
it will play out, if they give it the time it needs to succeed. When
food is plentiful people, particularly poor people, have more children.
Those children grow up to drive cars that burn fuel. By taking some of
America's food out of circulation by burning it our cars and trucks, we
slow population growth and in turn lower future energy demand. Another
win/win for America.
I would like close tonight by introducing three genuine American
heroes. While their acts of heroism had nothing whatsoever to do with
my policies, I would like to shine by association. So, whata we have
First we have a grossly over-paid basketball player, who used some of
his money to build a hospital in his home village in Africa. Stand up
there my man and take a bow. Whoa! Look at the size of that guy.!
Someone's getting more than his share of corn. Heh, heh, heh.
And we have a woman who got rich selling her start-up to a bigger
company for millions. Just ask that little lady how she feels about my
tax cut policies! Heh, heh, heh.
Finally we have the guy who threw himself under a train to save a guy
he didn't even know. Boy, could I use a guy like you on my staff right
now!.Heh, heh, heh.
That's it. I've only got two more years and one more of these damn
speeches to give before I can go back to not giving a shit.
Until then, thank you and God help America.