Getting around during the Games
As you realize, getting from one Celebration Venue to the next will be the first and one of our most enjoyable challenges. We urge all Vancouver residents to get out and enjoy yourselves by planning your travels carefully.
All forms of transportation are encouraged, but remember that nearly every major street must remain empty to ensure maximum freedom of movement for the athletes, Games officials, security personnel, international media, and cabinet ministers. Contrary to certain rumours, travel by car is fully permissible during the Olympic Celebrations. But such travel will be somewhat more difficult than usual during the period from January 12 to approximately April 30. Watch for daily bulletins announcing street and parking closures. Keep in mind that security precautions require us to change these announcements on an hourly basis. Also, all non-official vehicles which remain parked for a suspicious length of time will be treated as potential security risks, and either towed or detonated. So
if you do plan to drive, keep a radio with you at all times to check on our safety updates.
Some residents may prefer to use alternate forms of transportation in order to maximize their enjoyment of the Olympic Celebrations. This would be a wise choice for most. We urge you to take public transit to our Celebration Venues, keeping in mind that during certain periods of each day, waiting times at SkyTrain stations will be a minimum of two hours. Fortunately, this is expected to be the case only during mornings, afternoons, and evenings. At all other times, waiting periods will be less than one hour. Residents who plan their transit trips carefully can cut down waiting periods substantially - for example by leaving home prior to 4 am, and returning after 2 am. Be sure to bring plenty of Olympic-endorsed snacks and beverages to help maximimize your enjoyment while standing in line at the Skytrain. Just keep in mind that for security reasons.
All backpacks carried on public transit will be searched thoroughly and frequently. In our Olympic Celebration zones, only Olympic Endorsed snacks and beverages will be permitted, so remember to stock up now!
Some residents may find these minor transit waiting periods somewhat inconvenient. We encourage you to consider other options, such as biking to our Celebration Venues. Remember that the Venues will require all bikes to be kept in a secure lock-up, for a minimal charge of $10 per wheel. For this reason, some residents may find it more affordable to ride their unicycles to the
Venues. Also keep in mind that random street closures will affect many of Vancouver's wonderful cycling routes. Listen to radio reports carefully during your ride to help minimize your trip and maximize your enjoyment.
Finally, many Vancouverites are considering the healthiest alternative - walking to our Celebration Venues. Every Celebration outing can become a wonderful opportunity for the entire family to get valuable exercise, and there will be no extra charges for using this form of transportation!
What (not) to wear
Keep in mind that since many potential enemies of our Olympic Celebrations may attempt to use their clothing to conceal explosives, knives, guns, batons, grenades, poison, staplers, box cutters, books, leaflets, digital cameras, cel phones, or other harmful items, security precautions will require random strip searches of those entering our Celebration Venues. We urge residents to maximize
enjoyment by avoiding this minor inconvenience - leave your clothing at home and celebrate with us au naturel! Remember, if you have nothing to hide, why attract suspicion by covering up?
Smile for the Camera
Enclosed in this letter you will find your official Olympic Celebration headbands - one for each member of the family! Every Vancouver resident has his or her own personal barcode printed on the front of these headbands. This will allow us to monitor the full extent of your enjoyment of the Celebrations, using our state of the art camera technology. At each Celebration Venue, our friendly cameras will be scanning these barcodes, enabling us to build a full picture of everyone's participation. Those who worry that the billions of photos collected during the Celebrations could be used for illegal purposes are assured that all such images will be deleted from our databanks as soon as they are individually checked by our trusted security services. If your image is particularly flattering, we may however decide to use it in our promotional materials, as previously agreed by the City of Vancouver, VANOC and the IOC.
Freedom for all
As we said, there is no formal requirement for Vancouver residents to take part in our Olympic Celebrations, or to fully enjoy this once in a lifetime event. For a small minority of nay-sayers, the trifling cost of this incredible Celebration is a matter of some contention. Some of these residents may choose to express their negative opinions in a public manner during the Olympics. This is their constitutional right, as protected by the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. But those who wish to enjoy the Celebrations also have rights and freedoms. Therefore, all forms of protest must be conducted within the law. Our 16,000 police, soldiers, and other security personnel will be monitoring such activities closely, checking for serious infractions such as jaywalking, disturbing the peace, littering, pointing signs at cameras, making rude remards, or casting aspersions upon our brave troops in Afghanistan. Such outrageous
lawbreakers will be charged as necessary, while law-abiding protesters will remain completely free to conduct their activities.
Carry on with your usual activities
We understand completely that some Vancouver residents still have to go to work, school, shopping, or medical appointments during the Olympics. We are still encouraging everyone to minimize these onerous tasks in order to maximize enjoyment at our Celebration Venues. In this spirit, our security personnel will be making random visits to homes in Vancouver throughout the Celebrations, to
encourage those who are not engaged in such necessary activities to come out to our Venues. As per the Agreement signed by the City of Vancouver, VANOC and the IOC, these personnel do have the authority to enter private homes to help residents understand their voluntary responsibilities to get out and enjoy the Celebrations. So if you hear the special "VANOC knock" (rap-rap-rap-pause-rap-rap), remember that you have thirty seconds to voluntarily open your door to welcome our personnel into your home.
Helping to make the Celebrations a success
We all know that hosting the world at this outstanding, historic event does come with a price. Vancouverites will have the complete freedom to choose their form of support. Those who do participate in our many Olympic Celebrations will receive special tokens which can be collected and turned in towards their share of our costs. For example, anyone attending our massive evening street parties
on Robson Street will receive a $10 token, which can be kept to turn in later, or used on the spot towards the small charge of $25 to attend the event. Those who take part in just 100 events could receive a total $1000 towards their share of the Celebration costs. That's significant because each Vancouver resident will receive a letter from VANOC with a voluntary request to donate $1000 towards the costs. Those who make this small donation will receive a rebate of $100. Those who do not will have this small charge added to their taxes, and will not receive a rebate. Those who are below the income tax line will receive a friendly visit after the Games from a VANOC official to remind them about the voluntary $1000 contribution. Should they voluntarily choose not to contribute, we will happily assist them in boarding a bus to seek residence in another municipality, for the small charge of just $100. The choice is completely open to each individual!
[That's OK folks, just ignore the men behind the curtain and smile, smile, smile. Here's your orders of behavioural expectations the unelected representatives of the international proto-fascist organization have of all who entered the democratic exclusion zone, also known as Vancouver. Failure to meet these simple demands will be met by the force of thousands of police, military, and corporate para-militaries. So, act happy and enjoy the circus. Communication ended.]
